Top 10 Excuses for Bareback Sex and How to Respond

Posted by Getiton on July 16th, 2012

Don’t give in to guys who want to have bareback sex with you, or do anything you’re not happy about. You can say “No!” to anyone at any time when you’re having sex without having to explain yourself. If it doesn’t feel right to you, that’s enough. It’s your body and you make the rules.

You might have been seeing a guy for a while, fucking with condoms, and suddenly he wants to start having bareback sex. He might put emotional pressure on you with comments like “I just want to feel close to you” or “If you really trust me you’ll let me bareback...” This is emotional blackmail. Your happiness and your health come first, but sometimes it’s hard to be clear about this.

It can be hard to stick up for yourself if you’re in that situation but you need to put yourself first. If someone you know is putting you under pressure, talk to a friend about it, or call a phone counselling service such as 0800 OUTline. Often it’s good to get some outside perspective. If he really cares for you he won’t try and make you do something you don’t want to do. And if he doesn’t really care about what you want, why would you fuck him in the first place?

Here are the top 10 excuses for bareback sex we hear, and how you can respond:

1. ‘Do you trust me?’

‘Because you care about me I know it would be really hard for you to tell me you’d fucked someone else or had unprotected sex. And it would be hard for me to tell you if I did any of those things. Since nothing’s as important as caring for each other, let’s use condoms.

2. ‘You’re the only one I do this with’

‘Oh really, how many guys have you said that to? Are you counting the guy I saw you with last week? Or the friend you sometimes ‘see’ – the one you don’t count as a boyfriend? If I’m so special you must want us to stay safe, right?’

3. ‘I haven’t got HIV – I got tested’

‘But how many guys have you had bareback sex with since your last test? If we fuck bareback, are you still going to tell the next guy that you’re negative? How can you know if you really are? If you want to come in me, put a condom on first.’

4. ‘It feels more natural’

‘We’re not talking about muesli here! My health and wellbeing is more important to me than your pleasure.’

5. ‘It feels better bareback

(If you’re the bottom) ‘Maybe for you, but a condom makeslittle difference to how it feels for me. Do you want me to be put at risk just so you can have a good time? You’ll last longer with a condom and that’ll double my pleasure. So it's no condom – no fuck.’

(If you’re the top) ‘You want me to fuck you bareback? You clearly get off on it. So I wonder how many other guys you’ve asked to do the same thing. No thanks, but if you really want my cum inside you so much it’s much safer if I cum in your mouth.’

6. ‘I know you’re HIV positive, but it’s less risky if I’m on top’

Wrong. Tops can still get HIV because there is actually more HIV in rectal secretions (saliva-like fluids from the inside of your arse) than in either blood or semen. People once thought that tops were low risk, but now we know better.

7. ‘We don’t need these’

‘Don’t dismiss my commitment to fucking with condoms like that! I don’t like my mind being made up for me by someone else. There are two of us involved here and either we use condoms to fuck or we just suck each other off.’

8. ‘It’s okay – I’ll pull out before I cum.’

'What about precum? There’s HIV in that too and inside my arse is a lot more vulnerable to the virus than in my mouth. And what about all the STIs that aren’t in cum? If you put a condom on first you can cum in me.’

9. ‘Let me fuck you bareback just this once’

‘When is it ever just once? If you’re asking me then you’ve probably done it with other guys as well. Not once, not ever. A condom or no fuck.’

10. ‘We don’t need condoms – I have an undetectable viral load’

‘Viral what?' Exactly – it’s as complicated as it sounds. The blood of people with HIV is measured in a test to see how much HIV is present (the viral load). HIV is still present in the blood but at a low level (i.e. ‘undetectable’ to the test). In fact, most people with ‘undetectable’ viral load still have HIV in their semen and rectal mucus, often in higher amounts than in their blood. Undetectable does not equal un-infectious.

About the Author:

Joe Rich is the Spokesperson of Get it On! Through Get it On! He is trying to encourage all gay and bisexual men to use condoms and lube every time they have sex. Get it On! is a community-focused, Social Marketing programme that aims to build a condom culture across New Zealand.

Contact Information:

Joe Rich

Senior Marketer

New Zealand AIDS Foundation

+64 9 300 6967

joe.rich@nzaf.org.nz